On last week’s Bills vs. Bucs broadcast, the announcer team gave us one of the greatest bits of color commentary in the NFL regular season…maybe ever. Josh Allen and Baker Mayfield are good enough friends to have entire conversations in movie quotes, which is only something a male with an emotional maturity level from 18-25 can fully understand, and that Josh Allen thinks of Baker Mayfield as White Goodman, the villain from Dodgeball. This got me thinking…what characters would other NFL quarterbacks be? You’ve probably heard enough of my analysis over the season about who I think we will win games and why. Here’s a different kind.

Tier 1: The Hangover (Season Record: 6-13)

Colts +3.5 over Chiefs

Patriots -6.5 over Bengals

Daniel Jones- Alan: Both guys get a rocky entrance to our lives but find redemption. Alan at the blackjack table and with the roofie/”floorie” thread that ultimately reveals Doug’s locale. Daniel Jones found it in Indianapolis of all places.

Pat Mahomes-Phil: Phil is definitely the coolest member of The Hangover gang (is my hair cool? Is it cool like Phil’s?), but there’s something just a touch douchey about him too. Similarly, Pat Mahomes is awesome. No one would question that, but something about the flopping and ref-baiting and the whole “NFL is in the Chiefs’ pocket” narrative makes him distinctly unlikable to some people. It’s not as pervasive a disdain as say Aaron Rodgers and his counterpart, but it’s there.

Drake Maye-Stu: Drake and Stu don’t get the shine they deserve early on. In Stu’s case it’s a truly insufferable fiancé who makes him a tough hang. In Maye’s it was an abysmal coaching situation and offensive line. However, now both guys are flourishing.

Joe Flacco- Mike Tyson: Both old. Both still have one seemingly unperishable skill (Sideline fade and uppercut, respectively).

Joe Burrow- Doug: Both missing for far too long and need to make a reappearance in our lives.

Tier 2: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (Season Record: 13-14)

Jaguars -2.5 over Cardinals

Eagles -3.5 over Cowboys

Bucs +6.5 over Rams

Trevor Lawrence-Kate Veatch: The hair says it all.

Jacoby Brissett- Gordon Pibb: Never a coach’s first choice but find ways to be serviceable will thrust into action.

Jalen Hurts- Patches O’Houlihan: Both champions. At their best being pushed by someone else…albeit for different reasons.

Dak Prescott- Steve “The Pirate”: At times Dak Prescott is the best player on the Cowboys. Early in “Dodgeball”, Steve is the best non-LaFleur player on Average Joe’s. However, when it comes time for the championship game, neither of these guys are anywhere to be found.

Baker Mayfield-White Goodman: I can’t pretend to know better than Josh Allen.

Matt Stafford-Peter LaFleur: Consummate professionals surrounded by lead weight for far too long. Rose above circumstances to become champions anyway.

Tier 3: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (Season Record: 16-26)

Bills -5.5 over Texans

Seahawks -13.5 over Titans

Packers -6.5 over Vikings

Panthers +7 over 49ers

Josh Allen-Ron Burgundy: Josh Allen is kind of a big deal. People know him. He’s very important. He has many leatherbound books, and his apartment smells of rich mahogany.

C.J. Stroud-Wes Mantooth: Flashes of greatness. Hard to tell if those are signs of who they really are and they are being hindered by their environment, or if they’ve just settled to be what the environment allows them to be.

Sam Darnold-Champ Kind: Big and bold. Unreliable when the going gets tough.

Cam Ward-Frank Vitchard: If any quarterback were being set up by his team to get his arms ripped off in the line of duty it’s Cam Ward.

Jordan Love-Brian Fantana: Jordan’s best is nearly as good as anyone else’s, but his fastball is only there 60% of the time…every time.

J.J. McCarthy-Brick Tamland: This feels mean but someone had to say it. Brick’s trident throwing abilities might demonstrate arm talent J.J. McCarthy could only dream of.

Bryce Young-Baxter: Small in stature. Disappear for large stretches of the action. Swoop in at the end when it matters most.

Brock Purdy-Veronica Corningstone: The consensus on these two is that they are good, according to some even great. They have both dealt with adverse workplace environments, but it’s not entirely clear if those adverse environments are keeping us from seeing their true greatness or if the obviousness of their hindrances causes us to overrate them in our minds.

Tier 4: Wedding Crashers (Season Record: 23-16-1)

Steelers +2.5 over Bears

Giants +10.5 over Lions

Aaron Rodgers-Sack Lodge: Supremely talented. Hard to imagine more unlikable personalities. They aren’t even decent to their own teammates.

Caleb Williams-Jeremy Ryan: Unhinged in ways that could only work for them.

Jaxson Dart-Chazz Reinhold: If CW/JR are unhinged, then Dart and Reinhold are completely off the reservation. Both insane in the best possible way and complete show stealers. Dart is also the most likely NFL quarterback whose mom still yells at him to pick up his f***ing skateboard.

Jared Goff-John Beckwith: Likable but ultimately kind of milquetoast protagonists. Ironically, both more likable when things aren’t going well for them.

Tier 5: Old School (Season Record: 18-17)

Jets +13.5 over Ravens

Raiders -3.5 over Browns

Falcons +1.5 over Saints

Justin Fields-Spanish: Athletic guys (go rewatch Spanish’s foot speed in the pledge recruitment scene). Can’t get the job done in crunch time…or even just on a down-to-down basis.

Tyrod Taylor-Walsh: Guys with specific skillsets just waiting for their opportunity to get in the game.

Lamar Jackson- Mitch “The Godfather”: Protagonists. Well-rounded. Still not entirely sure I want the ball in their hands with the game/season on the line.

Geno Smith- Bernard “Beanie”: Past their prime but trying to ride coattails to attain past glory.

Shedeur Sanders-Frank “The Tank”: Really trying to be good. I genuinely believe they want to be. It’s just so much more entertaining when they aren’t, fortunately for us I’m not sure they are capable of good.

Kirk Cousins-Joseph “Blue” Pulaski: Ancient. Spicy personalities masked by choir boy exteriors. Not sure they can handle the heat anymore.

Tyler Shough-Weensie: Still too young to get a good read, but early returns suggest that occasionally they’ll pull something truly shocking off.

Last Week’s Record: 9-5-1

Season Record: 76-87-1

Cover Photo Courtesy of AP Photo/AJ Mast