Some of you may not remember Swami Sez. This was a Chris Berman segment on ESPN in the 90s and 2000s where he put on a swami hat and picked NFL games. He still does it a few times a year maybe. It’s kind of a weird segment, but the key is they were all quick picks, which is what we’re going for this week. I also kind of hate this week of games and wouldn’t fault anyone for staying away. The Swami also loves nicknames and onomatopoeias, so look for those.

Tier 1: Yikes! (Season Record: 2-9)

Eagles -2.5 over Vikings

The tier name could refer to my top tier season record or betting on Philadelphia with the recent offensive woes, but here we are. I think Philly will be ok and Jalen “Love” Hurts and the offense will start to pick things up with a long week to prepare. J.J. McCarthy seems trending towards not making his return this week and I don’t trust Minnesota’s offense without him.

Tier 2: The Battle of Attrition (Season Record: 9-5)

Colts +1.5 over Chargers

Falcons +1.5 over 49ers

Indy and Atlanta get the nod this week because they are the healthier of the two teams. The Colts have had some cornerback injuries, and it showed last week when they got sliced up by Jacoby “BBQ” Brissett. The offense has still been a force, especially the run game and with Joe Alt still out I think the Colts defense holds up enough to get a win. Atlanta is coming off a huge Monday night win, which usually means it’s time for a letdown game. But San Francisco is injury-ravaged at this point, and Atlanta is reasonably healthy other than the preseason injuries to the offensive line they’ve been dealing with all year.

Tier 3: Rumblin’ (Season Record: 7-16)

Rams -3 over Jaguars

Giants +7 over Broncos

Cowboys +1.5 over Commanders

Bucs +5.5 over Lions

Texans +3.5 over Seahawks

London games are usually weird, but I think the Rams are just better than the Jaguars at this point. The only thing that makes me a little wary about betting this is the injury status of Puka “Shell” Nacua. If he doesn’t go, I’ll be sweating this one.

Denver can’t be trusted with a 7-point line again until they prove it.

Dallas is coming off a terrible loss, but they can move the ball and Washington’s defense can be moved upon. This is probably a bet the over and avoid the line game.

Baker Mayfield plays close games. Close games land within 5.5 points. Tampa Bay has also been injury-plagued on offense but so has Detroit’s defense…yet again.

Houston and Seattle will be a bet the under and avoid the spread, but 3.5 feels a little high. Houston had a week to try to figure some things out on offense. Their defense will keep them in it.

Tier 4: Bumblin’ (Season Record: 15-8)

Bengals +5.5 over Steelers

Jets +1.5 over Panthers

Patriots -7 over Titans

Packers -6.5 over Cardinals

The NFL is at it again giving us an “Oscar the Grouch” Thursday night game. Cincinnati has passed their way into some covers in garbage time. I could see it again.

The Jets won’t go 0-17 right? Carolina isn’t the same team away from home.

New England is rolling. Mike Vrabel revenge game. Tennessee could get a dead cat bounce after jettisoning Brian Callahan to the depths of never coaching an NFL team again, but I’ve used my quota of Titans bets already.

I feel the least good about this line, but Green Bay is still good, and Arizona is not. Jordan “Can’t Buy Me” Love hasn’t been stellar, but his receiving corps has made things easy. I don’t see that changing this week.

Tier 5: Stumblin’ (Season Record: 11-10)

Chiefs -11.5 over Raiders

Saints +5.5 over Bears

Browns -2.5 over Dolphins

Kansas City looks back. Las Vegas is bad. Geno Smith stays on washed watch at this point.

New Orleans isn’t as bad as I thought. Spencer “Timber” Rattler has at least not been a liability. Chicago has also been much better than they looked to open the season, but I think the Saints hang around.

The last one is a definite stay away for me. Miami and Cleveland are terrible, and this game should not be watched, gambled on or indulged in any way. Forced to make a pick, Cleveland’s defense is the best unit on the field, so give me that.

Last Week’s Record: 7-8

Season Record: 44-49

Cover Photo Courtesy of X