We need to talk. I hope by now I’ve engendered enough good will not turning this column into a podium or soapbox that I can do it for 30 seconds and not turn you off. Poor fan behavior isn’t new (there was a riot at a chariot race in the Roman Empire), but it does seem to be escalating. Throwing garbage on the field. Stealing autographed hats from kids. Hitting players in the helmet after a touchdown. Stealing home run balls from kids. Sending death threats to athletes, both amateur and pro, for losing us fantasy points or bets. Getting your affair exposed on a kiss cam (I know this happened at a concert, but kiss cams are a very sports stadium thing, and it could 100% happen at a sporting event). Throwing dildos at WNBA players (not a sentence I ever expected or wanted to type). These are all things that have happened in the last 60 days. I’m not certain we are better than this behavior, but I do believe we can be. We need to be. We owe it to ourselves, the athletes that entertain us, and to the younger generations who count on us to set an example. For all my fellow sports fans out there, all I have to say is do better. Be better. It really is that simple. To really drive the message home this week’s tiers will lowlight some of the worst moments in sports fan history.

Tier 1: Steve Bartman (Season Record: 0-2)

Broncos -2.5 over Colts

Eagles -1.5 over Chiefs

Hot take, but also right take here. Steve Bartman isn’t to blame for the Cubs 2003 collapse. Many of you may have forgotten about Steve Bartman, but us 90s kids (at least the baseball fans of us) will never forget him. The Chicago Cubs seemed poise to head to the World Series and take down the Florida Marlins before a playable foul ball was caught by Steve Bartman (fan) instead of Moises Alou (Cubs left fielder). Alou lost his mind and screamed at Bartman, as did the rest of the city of Chicago, and then a rash of errors allowed the Marlins to come back, take the lead and eventually win the game and the series. Here’s the thing. Chicago still had the lead when the Bartman incident occurred. It may have prevented an out, but it didn’t allow or advance a baserunner. It should have been no different than a foul ball actually hit in the stands, but it wasn’t. The Cubs let it get to them, and that’s on them.

Denver, particularly Bo Nix, didn’t look great against the Titans last week, but there’s plenty of reason to believe that Tennessee’s just better than they were last year. Indianapolis wrecked the Miami Dolphins, who might be the worst team in football. Both of those results have deflated this line, but if I had offered you this line a week ago, you’d have bet the mortgage on it. That’s a little rich for my blood, but I still think this is one of the best bets of the week. Denver’s defense is for real. Daniel Jones is not.

I’m still not giving Kansas City up for dead, but last week’s performance was alarming. Xavier Worthy and Rashee Rice being unavailable against this Philly defense is even more alarming. I tried and tried to find a zag to pick the Chiefs here but I can’t do it. It’s hard to imagine a scenario where Kansas City moves the ball with consistency against the Eagles’ defense…unless Jalen Carter spits on Pat Mahomes maybe (which I am not advocating for by the way). On the other side of the ball, Kansas City’s secondary can be had and this feels like a ripe opportunity for A.J. Brown to shake off last week’s underwhelming stat line.

Tier 2: Streakers At Any Sporting Event (Season Record: 1-2)

Patriots +1.5 over Dolphins

Bucs +2.5 over Texans

No one needs to see that. Ever.

New England let me down last week and didn’t look very good in the process, but I need to reiterate that I think Miami might be the worst team in the league. New England’s defense was mostly fine last week, and Miami’s offense is no better than Las Vegas’s, it is probably actually worse. Tua Tagovailoa looked awful and all the quick passing explosive plays that Miami used to be able to generate aren’t there anymore. This is probably a result of the league catching up to Mike McDaniel’s scheme, not dissimilar to what happened to Chip Kelly ten years ago. There are also plenty of reports of locker room and culture issues in Miami, and that wasn’t even including Tyreek Hill being under yet another domestic violence investigation. All in all, the Dolphins have more red flags than all the Florida beaches combined right now. Caveat: I’m completely ignoring all of the historical New England in Miami baggage with this pick. Follow my lead at your own risk.

On the one hand, I think Houston is too good to start 0-2, but on the other Tampa Bay feels like a more complete team right now. There’s a scenario where Houston’s defense dominates and C.J. Stroud gets just enough help for the Texans to win this game, but Baker is a gamer, and the weapons and line play he have around him will give him opportunities to steal one on the road. If the Bucs avoid turning the ball over, I trust Tampa Bay’s defense to generate stops and prevent the Texans from being able to win this solely on the strength of their defense.

Tier 3: Phillies Karen/CEO Hat Snatcher (Season Record: 1-2)

Lions -6.5 over Bears

Cowboys -5.5 over Giants

Seahawks +3 over Steelers

Cardinals -6.5 over Panthers

Chargers -3 over Raiders

This might be recency bias, but having two high profile adult-on-kid sports fan crimes in the same week feels unprecedented and worth list inclusion. First off, we have the jackass, who is the CEO of a company, who snatches an autographed hat from a U.S. Open tennis player that was intended for a young fan. Somewhat in his defense, he has since come forward and apologized and given the hat to the originally intended recipient, although I confess myself skeptical that his motives weren’t publicity related. On the other hand, Phillies Karen, the Cruella De Vil-looking and acting lady who took the home run ball from the boy last week, has issued no such apology and as far as we know still has her tainted home run ball. Shame on you PK!

Detroit lost Ben Johnson, Kevin Zeitler and Frank Ragnow in the offseason. They missed all three of them desperately on Sunday. The Lions had forged an identity as a team with the dual threat of a wrecking ball running game and uber-creative passing game over the last two seasons. They demonstrated none of that against the Packers last weekend. Unfortunately, it looks like the Super Bowl window for this Detroit team may be closed, but they will bounce back against a Bears team that continues to look lost at sea. Ben Johnson proved himself an exceptional offensive coordinator in Detroit, but he made plenty of rookie game management mistakes in Chicago’s collapse against the Vikings on Monday night. Caleb Williams looked stellar on the Bears opening drive but quickly turned into a pumpkin afterwards and the offensive impotence cost Chicago the game. I don’t expect them to keep up with a Detroit team that still has explosive playmakers.

Dallas was better than I ever would have expected in the season opener. The offense looked crisp aside from a couple of Ceedee Lamb drops and the Miles Sanders fumble that was the turning point in the game from a shootout to a defensive struggle. Dallas’s defense is untrustworthy, but I refuse to bet on the Giants while Russell Wilson is starting at quarterback.

Seattle fooled us once last week. Sometimes we can get fooled again though. Pittsburgh’s offense, interestingly, wasn’t the problem in last week’s narrow win over the Jets. Aaron Rodgers looked rejuvenated, but banking on him being able to maintain that level of play week-to-week feels like folly. The Seahawks defense might be better than the Jets and Jaxon Smith-Njigba could have a field day against Pittsburgh’s secondary.

Don’t get sucked into thinking Arizona is a playoff sleeper. They have had a delightfully easy schedule to open the season. They tried to let New Orleans back in the game, fortunately for them Carolina is no better and this game is in Phoenix. Carolina’s defense, particularly the run defense, is putrid. If he wanted to, Kyler Murray could probably pass for and run for 200 yards in this game. I’m not saying he will, but he could.

The Chargers looked like legitimate contenders on Friday night. Justin Herbert was slinging passes and his slides were so suave they’d make Trea Turner jealous. I’m not buying all the Chargers’ stock I can yet, but 2-0 is there for the taking and Jim Harbaugh isn’t the type of coach to squander that opportunity.

Tier 4: 10-Cent Beer Night (Season Record: 1-2)

Commanders +3.5 over Packers

Jets +6.5 over Bills

Bengals -3.5 over Jaguars

Falcons +3.5 over Vikings

This is a deep cut, but let’s travel back to 1974. The Cleveland Indians were struggling, and attendance was poor. Hence, the 10-cent beer night promotion was born. Unfortunately, the owners didn’t have the foresight to put a limit on the number of 10-cent beers one could buy. As you might imagine, chaos ensued. Fireworks were set off. Multiple streakers appeared. Fans stormed the field mid-game. The result was a Cleveland forfeit due to how unruly the fan behavior became. I actually don’t entirely blame the fans on this one. The runners of this promotion should have anticipated this.

Thursday Night Football usually gets weird and stays close. If you want more sound analysis, then I’m not sure that Green Bay is quite as good as they looked last week. Jayden Daniels also has mobility that Jared Goff doesn’t. Even with Micah Parsons, Green Bay isn’t suddenly a defensive juggernaut and their back end can’t hold up forever if Daniels is able to keep plays alive with his feet.

Call me crazy but I kind of like this Jets team. Justin Fields looked like the quarterback everyone hoped he could be last week. Garrett Wilson looked like the receiver we thought he’d become with Aaron Rodgers at quarterback. Breece Hall looked like a first-round fantasy draft pick. The Jets lost the game but the promise was there. Buffalo had to pull everything they had out to come back against the Ravens last week and the defense looked vulnerable. Josh Allen is still Superman© and if I was picking a straight winner then give me Buffalo, but something tells me the Jets keep this thing close…or score late to cover through the back door.

Cincinnati looked like typical opening week Cincinnati last week. Fortunately, Cleveland is bad enough that they still managed the win. Meanwhile, Jacksonville looked like a semi-competent organization, which could be confounded by the fact that they were playing the most incompetent organization. Jacksonville doesn’t have the ground game to play keep away from Cincinnati’s offense like Cleveland did. The Bengals offense will look like the Bengals offense again this weekend. Just hope that their defense doesn’t also look like their defense.

Minnesota’s offense looked impotent for the first three quarters of Monday night’s game. J.J. McCarthy struggled to find receivers, and he admittedly didn’t have much time to do so. Aaron Jones and Jordan Mason had an equally tough time trying to find running lanes, but then they did and suddenly that unlocked the whole offense. Maybe that’s just who they will be going forward but still expect some growing pains from McCarthy. For all the talk about how he’s mature beyond his years, he’s still essentially a rookie quarterback. Michael Penix didn’t get a full season to start last year, but he looks like a guy in control of the offense. Even if the Vikings from the fourth quarter are here to stay, Penix and company can keep pace.

Tier 5: The Guy Who Started the Malice at the Palace (Season Record: 3-2)

49ers -3 over Saints

Browns +11.5 over Ravens

Titans +5.5 over Rams

Do you ever have a memory that you know can’t quite be true, but you have it anyway? I have this memory of being at my grandmother’s house in Burnt Corn, Alabama for Thanksgiving holiday and watching this transpire live. The only problem is that I couldn’t have watched this game. It wasn’t nationally televised, and I definitely wasn’t picking up the local Detroit or Indianapolis broadcast in Burnt Corn. Alas, we are all fallible.

Anyway, for those who’ve forgotten, Ron Artest and Ben Wallace get into a shoving match. Ron Artest lays down on the scorer’s table. Moronic fan throws beer on test. Artest, pre-Metta World Peace, storms into the stands and a players vs. spectators brawl ensues resulting in suspensions and assault charges. The Pacers were legitimate title contenders until the “Malice” torpedoed their season.

San Francisco is playing with one arm behind their back this week with George Kittle out and Brock Purdy likely out. The Saints at full strength are still worse than a one-armed 49ers team. This line opened at seven but dropped after the injury reports emerged from San Francisco. I could have been persuaded to take New Orlean at anything greater than three, or at least to stay away, but I think worst case scenario this ends at a push.

Cleveland and Tennessee have competent pieces. Cam Ward will have Tennessee upsetting people by the end of the season, and it could be as early as this weekend. Baltimore seems ripe for allowing a backdoor cover after a deflating loss last week. Bottom line: both lines feel a tad too high, but I wouldn’t fault anyone for staying away either.

Season Record: 6-10

P.S. Was all of this soapboxing a ploy to distract from a disappointing start to the season? Plead the fifth.

Cover Photo Courtesy of Clark Wade/IndyStar