We have a way in our culture of transitioning movie quotes into cultural phrases that subconsciously become a part of our lexicon long after the movie or show has been forgotten. The terms “gaslighting”, “bombshell”, “catfishing”, and…”going commando” all exist as movie, or show in the latter’s case, references to which the initial reference is largely forgotten. As a #90skid, I’ve beginning to have existential fears of the popular culture items that seem like they should be eternal becoming ephemeral. This cannot happen to “The Sandlot” a movie so etched in my childhood that it’s the one piece of art that most closely resembles it, and yet my fear is that 10 or 20 or 50 years from now people will still be walking around jabbing their friends and acquaintances who make minor gaffes with a classic, “You’re killing me smalls!” without any remembrance of the original source material. To prevent that from happening, and because there are a few NFL teams (looking at your Ravens, Cowboys and Colts) who are absolutely killing me right now. This week our tiers will be a ranking of the top five “The Sandlot” scenes.

Tier 1: Pickling The Beast (Season Record: 2-5)

Steelers -1.5 over Colts

Saints +2.5 over Falcons

At its core, “The Sandlot” adheres to an epic narrative structure chronicling the adventures of our hero, Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, with everything building up to his magnum opus: pickling the beast. The beast, if you haven’t seen, is a giant mastiff named Hercules. This is the pivotal conclusion to the greatest childhood summer in history.

Going back to last week’s them, has Justin Fields become a competent NFL quarterback or did he just need a situation to allow him to do that? He hasn’t put up gaudy numbers, but he also hasn’t needed to. Fields is doing enough to allow his defense, which is the best in the NFL, to win games for Pittsburgh right now. I see no reason that won’t continue against an Indianapolis offense that has been inconsistent at best. Pittsburgh can force Anthony Richardson into passing situations, which usually means good things are going to happen for the defense.

New Orleans let me down last week, but they are still better than this Falcons team. Alvin Kamara sat out practice today, but I expect that is more to keep him fresh for Sunday than anything. He has had a resurgence, and Chris Olave finally got in on the scoring acting last week. The Saints had a down week last week, but they should cook against a mediocre Atlanta defense this week.

Tier 2: Puking on the Tilt-a-Whirl (Season Record: 6-4)

Broncos +7.5 over Jets

Lions -3.5 over Seahawks

Who hasn’t celebrated a huge win over their biggest rivals by overstuffing a lip of chewing tobacco and hopping on a rickety fair ride? Well then you haven’t really lived now have you. Watching the Sandlot boys hurl all over unsuspecting fairgoers is the comedic high of this move, plus this scene gave us the tagline for this column.

Let me be the first to admit that I feel a little nauseated by putting this much faith in Bo Nix. I might be puking off the tilt-a-whirl next after the Jets defense puts him in a blender all afternoon while I watch my Fanduel account dwindle, but the Broncos are coming off a pasting of a decent Bucs team. I’m also still not convinced that the Jets are a team you want to lay a touchdown-plus with yet.

Detroit got back on track last week and ran all over the Arizona Cardinals, and I expect more of the same. I was concerned last week that Arizona’s skill players would create mismatches against Detroit’s man-heavy scheme and that didn’t really happen. D.K. Metcalf instills similar fear, but no other Seahawks receiver really stands out as a mismatch nightmare, plus Seattle’s offensive line will struggle to hold up against Detroit’s pass rush and blitz packages.

Tier 3: The 4^th of July Night Game (Season Record: 3-8)

Vikings +2.5 over Packers

Bucs +1.5 over Eagles

Patriots +10.5 over 49ers

Chargers +7.5 over Chiefs

In a movie with a giant beast dog and vacuum cleaner ball retrievers, the least realistic scene is the squad playing baseball by firework light. As a kid who absolutely tried this, I can tell you it doesn’t work. This is still the most nostalgic scene in the movie for me, because baseball was the biggest constant of my childhood summers, so I can forgive its break from reality.

Minnesota vs. Green Bay was one of the bigger struggles of the week for me. Both teams were very good to me last week, but this is about picks not feelings. Green Bay has managed to secure two wins with Malik Willis against mediocre teams, but going against a Brian Flores defense is a completely different beast. The Malik Willis career revival has been fun but he still doesn’t push the ball down the field and is overly reliant on his threat as a runner to create open throwing lanes. We saw what Flores did against a much better young quarterback last week, and with two weeks of Willis game film to work with, I expect Flores to have a solid plan against such a limited quarterback.

Tampa Bay really let me down last week laying an egg at home against Denver, but overreacting to one week rarely yields positive results. As of now, I expect Philadelphia to be without A.J. Brown or DeVonta Smith on Sunday, which will allow Tampa Bay to be more aggressive defensively. Philadelphia’s pass rush did give Derek Carr problems last week, but that was the first time they have really impacted a game this season and it wouldn’t surprise me to see a good Baker home game here. My one prop toss out last week hit at 13-1 odds, so I’m going back to a similar well this week! Can I tempt you with Saquon Barkley and Aaron Jones both to have 25+ rushing yards in each half at +550? Both teams are favored, so theoretically that means running the ball in most halves, and I’ve just mentioned that the Eagles are likely without their top two receivers. I expect good games from both backs and this is my favorite weekly special on Fanduel.

New England was another disappointment last week but they are getting 10.5 points against the most injury-plagued team in the league. None of this means the Patriots are suddenly good, but they showed enough life in the first two weeks that they can be competitive against San Francisco’s A- team with a long week of preparation.

Kansas City has rarely shown interest in covering big spreads over the last five years, even when their offense was a mechanical juggernaut. Now that they are a largely pedestrian unit bolstered by the most gifted quarterback of all time, it seems even more likely that they will be perfectly content to grind out a 24-20 win in a game that was never really in doubt. The Chargers newfound identity under Jim Harbaugh, a.k.a. ground and pound to the max, also feeds into that game script completely.

Tier 4: The Treehouse Campout (Season Record: 7-4)

Cowboys -5.5 over Giants

Texans -6.5 over Jaguars

Commanders +3.5 over Cardinals

Bills +2.5 over Ravens

The treehouse campout sets the stage for the final showdown in the movie, but it also gives us the best explanation for why a s’more is called a s’more and how to properly make it ever. This may be the most underrated scene in the movie, as evidenced by my ranking.

Why can’t I quit the Cowboys? Is it a hedge against my boyhood hatred of the team, or can I just not quit the fact that this team should be good? I have no idea, but I also think if there’s any week to bet them it’s this one. I’m discounting it slightly because it’s on Thursday night, but the Giants are coming off of their one competent performance for the year and Dallas battled back valiantly against Baltimore last week. You’re getting at least one free point here. Take it.

Who wants to bet Doug Pederson’s first coach fired odds with me? It’s probably too late for the juice to be worth the squeeze on that bet now, but until then we can just hammer bet against the Jags until he’s gone. Jacksonville got embarrassed on Monday night and they take on a Texans team in desperate need of a “get right” game this week. Houston will get it if they can stop all the silly penalties. Demeco Ryans is an excellent coach, and way too good for Houston not to figure out how to get penalized less.

Welcome to the NFL Jayden Daniels! In the other Monday night game, Jayden had his coming out party against a reeling Cincinnati team. This week he gets to duel it out with Kyler Murray, and I mean duel it out. There will be points galore in this one. I rarely recommend betting overs, but the 50.5 here is juicy. Also, watch out for the Kliff Kingsbury revenge game storyline!

Baltimore was an excellent team last year by the numbers and they came the closest to ending Kansas City’s repeat Super Bowl bid, but when you watch them there’s just something missing with the eye test. They dominated the majority of the Dallas game, but then they let the Cowboys claw their way back. The Ravens nearly took out the defending champs on opening night but missed it by literal inches. That just seems to be kind of who they are though. Their an uber-talented team with all of the pieces and metrics to be special, but when it comes to “nut crunch” time they just don’t quite have it. Buffalo, meanwhile, does seem to have it this year with Joe Brady and Josh Allen. I’m not betting against them, especially not when they’re getting points.

Tier 5: Squints Bags Wendy Peffercorn (Season Record: 4-5)

Panthers +4.5 over Bengals

Rams +2.5 over Bears

Raiders -1.5 over Browns

Titans +1.5 over Dolphins

This is one of the most legendary scenes in this movie, but I had to downgrade it for being just a tad bit skeezy. Things all worked out for Michael “Squints” Palledorous and Wendy Peffercorn, but I can’t recommend anyone follow in Squints methodology for attracting a mate.

Cincinnati and Chicago are officially in timeout until further notice. For further analysis, Carolina demonstrated new life with Andy Dalton at the helm and they might benefit from a home crowd for the first time in two year this weekend. Meanwhile, don’t we just have to trust that Sean McVay and Matt Stafford can kind of just figure things out at this point? I’m not convinced that Chicago’s supporting cast is any better than even this injured version of Los Angeles’s, and the McVay-Stafford combo inspires much more confidence than the Matt Eberflus-Caleb Williams combination.

Las Vegas got embarrassed by Carolina last week, which is a massive indictment, but I’m also not betting on Deshaun “Not a Running Back” Watson until further notice either. At this point, Gardner Minshew is just better than Watson is, and I’m not convinced he doesn’t have better receiving options overall either. This is definitely a skip if you aren’t hitting the mid-afternoon slate multiview.

Who knows what to make of Tennessee or Miami at this point? Who is going to play quarterback? Will it be Tyler Huntley, who was signed this week, or a demonstrably bad and injured Skyler Thompson? Will Levis may be a bad quarterback, but at least you know what you’re dealing with and theoretically can scheme around it. Also, Tennessee’s defense is at least decent. Tennessee getting points here makes little sense to me, but I also wouldn’t bet the farm on it.

Last side note: R.I.P. James Earl Jones. His cameo in “The Sandlot” was the icing on a delightful movie cake.

Last week: 8-8

Season Record: 22-26

Cover Photo Courtesy of Redbubble